Going back to work after enjoying maternity leave was a little bittersweet. As much as I could tell babygirl seemed to be getting bored being with me all the time by the time she was 5 months old, or perhaps I was just running out of things to do with her all day as my other maternity leave mum friends had almost all gone back to work.
Babygirl started daycare and a week later I started back at work. It was hard. It was hard leaving her all day when we’d spent basically every moment together until that point. It was hard turning around and leaving her with someone else all day. It was hard trying to remember who I was and what I did. And it was hard also feeling bad for appreciating having some adult time again.
The problem also was that there was now even less time to get everything done. When to make food, clean the house, do the laundry, do life admin, look after her needs and mine AND work? You don’t appreciate the ‘free’ time that you have before becoming a parent as you are so busy filling it and being ‘busy’ with all those things that once you are a parent you no longer have the luxury of doing. And by parent I mainly mean a mum. Not to say that DH didn’t step up, look after baby girl etc etc, but there is an element of mental load and making sure you have prepared for x/y/z that seems to basically become mums job. And its exhausting.
You do start to wonder if you are actually doing anything well anymore. Work is a compromise, your relationship, your parenting. Why do you have a baby if you only see them awake a few hours a day except for at the weekends? And what if you miss their first crawl/steps/words/taste of a particular food?
I understand why so many mums leave their jobs in the first few months after returning from maternity leave. The reality is that life doesn’t change as much for men as it does for women. And the reason for that isn’t only the whole other person you have to worry about now (oh god the worrying!), but also because, as with adolescence you are actually going through a real change. Your brain is changing. You are changing. You will never be the same person you were before. I learnt a new term in the few months after giving birth, matrescence – the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition to becoming a mother. And this isn’t something that happens for a few weeks. As with adolescence it takes place over years… whilst you are also looking after a whole new person you are becoming a new one yourself.
Learning this, knowing that this is an actual ‘thing’ has really helped on those days when you feel like you are just letting everyone down. But its also worth knowing that those feelings will continue too.
Welcome to Motherhood. This really is the Hotel California. Now you’ve checked in you can never ever leave… Enjoy!