Age: 12- 14 (aka ‘becoming a woman’- urgh)
I mean, holy shit. What is this? Am I dying? Oh god no. Surely not already? Oh this is embarrassing. How can I do swimming now? Oh I’ve never been so embarrassed dropping Tampax in front of all the boys. What is the Tampax lady going on about? Does everyone know? How? How does everyone know? Can you tell I’m now a ‘woman’? What does that even MEAN? This sucks. Why doesn’t the biology teacher ever speak in clear sentences? What does she mean, and why are we constantly drawing everyone’s insides and labelling them? I’m glad I’m dropping biology….
(yes, dear reader, perhaps this was the issue…)
Age 14- 18 (ish)
I swear this comes every bloody week. Is that normal? Maybe there’s something wrong with me?
(it actually did come every 3 weeks, which is a lot, and no, there wasn’t anything wrong with me other than teenage hormones)
Hey fellow 14-18 year old boy! I’m not sure you should be doing that to me. Or that. Where do I draw the line? But maybe its fine? I need to check with my friends…
Age: 18 – late 20’s
Use protection, use protection, use protection.
Well he was an arsehole
Well he was an arsehole
Well he was an arsehole
(Mainly I am worried about STDs (and still traumatised by the AIDs adverts from the 80’s) and not wanting to get pregnant. I’m too busy travelling, working and having fun for that .)
Age: late 20’s – early 30’s
Hmm, I’ve been single for a while, maybe it’s time to try and find a boyfriend now I’m in one place. I mean, its getting past the age I thought I’d be married (25) and having kids (28) now. Its going to be a struggle to get those 5 kids in, if I still want five of course…? At least I finally have a stable job and a house now, If only I could lose weight I’d be a proper catch. Oh, internet dating seems like fun…
Well he was weird
Well he was weird
Well he was weird
(Spoiler – it wouldn’t work for another 8 years…)
Age: early – mid 30’s
Right. This is stupid. If I want a kid I should just do it myself. Its never going to be perfect, but at least I have a bigger house now, I’m near my family so they could help out. Yes, my job sucks but at least I have one and I’d get maternity so I could at least get out of it for a bit (the job really really really sucked and anyway to leave was legitimate). If I’ve not met someone by the time I’m 35, I’m going to the Danish sperm bank…
(yes, there really is one, and they used to advertise on the tube with ‘have a Viking baby’)
Oh, hang on, this guy seems relatively normal…
(reader, I married him – oh come on! If I can’t plagiarise great literature what’s the point!?)
Age: – late 30’s – mid 40’s
Well this isn’t working…
Go to the doctor
Well this isn’t working…
Add supplements
Well this isn’t working…
Lose weight
Well this isn’t working…
Investigate other options
Age: mid 40’s onwards….
Well who knows… maybe the next thing will work and we’ll have a family. Maybe we won’t and we’ll have to review what that means for our life.
On the plus side. I still get to spoil my nieces rotten whatever happens…