Today I’m in Africa on holiday, Namibia to be precise, and I just had an experience I have had many times before from different well meaning people. It gave me the way to start this post, the title of which has been in my head for over 2 years and is essentially what I would like to reply to all the unsolicited advice and comments I have received over the past few years and have instead (mainly) just smiled politely. Let’s begin.
Today was a classic interaction with an interested and well meaning stranger. They ask: ‘do you have any children?’. There are two ways here to say ‘no’, either simply ‘no’ or ‘not yet’. I tend to say the latter if I think it will stop them asking further and the former if I will never see them again in my life. Both can cause issues with follow up questions though as was the case today (perhaps I should just start saying ‘we can’t’ instead to really shut people up?)
So: ‘Do you have children’, ‘no’, ‘you should try’, ‘we have been, for 5 years’, ‘how old are you?’, ‘43’, ‘you should try’, ‘yes, we have been for 5 years’, ‘children are a gift’, ‘yes’. And I leave the office never to speak to her again except that I was furious and her questions reignited my need to finish this post.
This, by the way, is a fairly standard stranger interaction around having children, and particularly outside Europe where extended family in particular is more important to day to day life than in our faster paced western societies. However, this doesn’t make such conversations any easier.
The thing is, I know all women (yes, I’m pretty sure every single one) has been asked at some point or another the ‘when are you having/do you have kids’ question. If you are struggling with infertility these questions can seem incredibly crass and loaded, but frankly, even if you’re not struggling it’s none of that persons damn business (unless they are the person you are planning on making said babies with and even then better conversation starters are available!). There is no safe answer either if you are already emotional about the issue, any kind of question feels intrusive and any helpful suggestion is just, well, not.
Standard advice when you tell people you are trying, and particularly once you start IVF too includes things like:
- Why don’t you just relax?
- Try going on holiday?
- Camping worked for us!
- It happened to my friend when she least expected it!
- My friend is 45 and she got pregnant without trying!
- My friends did IVF for years and when they stopped, boom! Have you tried that? (I mean, unless you’ve been hitting the wrong hole you’ve tried this first right? Pretty sure no one does IVF for shits and giggles? Hmm, probably needed to rethink those last 2 sentences)
- Have you tried this tea/supplement/yoga/breathing/weird ritual?
- Have you given up coffee/plastic/alcohol/cycling/fun/the rest of your life in your attempt to become a baby vessel?
- You should pray / Try visualing on your baby
- This book will help you talk to your future child (actually, to be fair, you do start going a bit mad after a while and start imagining things like talking to your future children but I refuse to give any more money to bat-shit crazies for their woo woo literature)
And so? Just stop it.
Fuck the actual fuck off. No really, and then fuck off some more.
The right response when someone says no/we’re trying etc is somewhere along the lines of: good luck/that sounds hard/let me know if you want to talk about it. Then BACK THE FUCK OFF and stop essentially asking about another persons sex life you weirdo (unless you’re a teenager in which case, carry on, no, that isn’t weird, yes everyone, no things shouldn’t burn when you pee).
So, do I actually have a point? Well yes, but I might as well howl at the moon as these conversations will continue to happen. Just promise me please, for the love of everything that if you are reading this blog and you find yourself at a point of saying ANY of these things, have a fucking word with yourself and shut up. No one cares about your book on crystals and fucking moon fairies Carol. No one.
Right. Where’s my fucking wine? Give up alcohol. My arse.
(Love and sprinkles everyone)